A friend of mine once told me a story about how a seminary administrator, that he knew, dealt with frustrated students when they came to his office upset. These students often came to complain, to argue, or to tell this administrator why the school was wrong in their policies or decisions. At the same time they also came to explain why their individual perspective was the only correct one to consider.
As the story goes, Mark (not his real name) would listen intently to the disgruntled student. He would refrain from asking them any questions or responding to what he was hearing—at first. He only sat in his office and listened. Then, after the student finished the speech that they carefully crafted, Mark would lean across the desk, smile, and say, “help me understand. . . ” The following question that Mark asked would likely poke a large, gaping, hole in the students carefully crafted, and personally-oriented, argument. He was asking them to look at the larger picture. It was an effective way to address the disgruntled students.
“Help me understand...”
Like you, I encounter people almost every day where Mark’s question is on my mind. In a world that has little time or tolerance to listen, or to dwell with people who they do not agree with, I think a different process can be helpful. I suspect that a process grounded in listening might help us live into who God is calling us to be and become as the church. Mark might be onto something if we stop and think about it.
In the book The Missional Leader: Equipping Your Church to Reach a Changing World, Alan Roxburgh and Fred Romanuk support Mark’s question with their own thoughts about how to gain understanding. They write:
"The process for gaining understanding requires a good deal of active listening for dialogue participants to hear the underlying questions and issues that people bring up in their attempt to get vital information. As questions emerge people need to dialogue with one another, go deeper into the issues, and explore the meaning of what they are learning through face-to-face interaction . . . Understanding is not about developing solutions, although it is a great temptation to think so."
Mark was practicing this same method of active listening that Roxburgh and Romanuk wrote about in their book. Mark’s posture was not intended to dismiss the student or downplay their feelings or struggles. Instead through his process, Mark was caring for the students at the seminary in a way that is helpful even as he maintained the exact policies that the person came to complain about. He did not apologize for the seminary’s policies or choices, but he wanted to learn and listen to the other person. Then if a way forward was possible, the two of them, could find it.
I wonder if this practice might be helpful for us as the church in our context and with our work? I wonder if instead of firing off an angry email, or a scathing social media post, or even walking away because the message from the other person is so negative, can find a way to create space to actively listen as a part of gaining understanding? Certainly we are not blindly accepting the other person's feelings or words as the only answer to our societal’s issues. Instead, when we work to gain understanding together, when we actively listen, we are living and working together as God intended. As such we are becoming the church that God ordained and created us to be. . . . So, “Help me understand.” It might be a helpful tool this week for you. . .
Blessings
Rev. Derek
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